hi there. this is my wordpress to document the stuff i’m learning and trying to learn for drawing art stuff. this post is just to talk about myself a little bit.

ive always wanted to draw but didn’t really try to learn because i didn’t think I liked drawing. i used to draw all the time when i was younger but i remember it just being a frustrating experience and so i left it behind to go after other forms of art.

i tried music like guitar keyboard and making beats on a bad laptop i had. i also tried to make a game, specifically a castlevania style game because thats what i wanted to play at the time. nowadays it seems like theres lots more of those though so i guess its okay now.

i tried out making video essays and i did make a few about a webcomic and a video game series i really liked. once i finished a few videos i decided to take a break and try out the streaming on twitch thing. it worked out for a few months building a very very very small community but it all mostly went away after taking a bit of time off to try and improve stream. ironic haha.

streaming felt like a waste of time and my passion for it went away but its still something i do occasionally but now without the mindset of growth and now its just for fun. maybe the passion came back a little bit now. after the twitch streaming stuff i decided to go back to making video essays but quickly put that on the side when i realized it wasn’t quite fulfilling enough for me.

throughout my life i always wanted to achieve personal fulfillment through some form of art. thats why i do what i do, and i was still searching for the thing that makes me happy. right now in life my only goal is to get that happiness and personal fulfillment and everything else is secondary. this wasn’t a realization i made until recently though as i had a small existential crisis and decided that i need to find that thing as soon as possible and try to achieve it before i find myself on my death bed sad that i didn’t find it.

so i revisited my original love for art and started to try to learn it “properly” and now ive realized that i still love art alot. i love it way more now that i feel like i understand it a little bit more. so now this is what ill be doing.

i already know it’ll be hard too. i don’t expect to learn everything I want to learn in a year and im going to be hitting lots of bumps in the road. i have no friends i never had parents and dont spend enough time with the little bit of close family members that i still have. i spend too much time feeling sad about myself. despite all that though i feel like this is the one obstacle in my life that i need to overcome to break through this wall of despair. i hope that maybe if i can achieve this goal of mine then maybe none of that will matter and I can truly be happy about myself.

the only thing i want is to be happy with my art and hope that it brings me that creative fulfillment i need. i only started a month ago and right now im not very good at it and all i draw is boxes and referenced drawings of art i like, but hopefully i get better.

anyway thats all. thanks